The Full English Lyrics

The redundancy scheme 

Was linked to his salary; 

A good few bob 

A chance to set upon his own. 

And they'd make a good team, 

Raymond and Valerie. 

He'd do the job, 

She'd do the books and man the phone.

 

They made wonderful plans.

Took a lock-up garage,

Filled it to the doors

With bankrupt stock they bought at auction.

They had a nice Luton van.

On each side written quite large,

It said 'RayVal Floors.

You've seen the rest, but we're the best...

For Carpet Tiles. 

Estimates free for our Carpet Tiles, 

Hard-wearing Wiltons in several styles.

No VAT on our Carpet Tiles. 

Ten pounds a metre.' 

He's a nice little chap

And he's doing his best,

Working late each night

But orders just aren't coming through.

Val sits on his lap

She says 'Don't get depressed,

It will be all right,

'Cos I believe in you...

And in those Carpet Tiles;

People will always need Carpet Tiles.'

Now look at him go; he's all teeth and smiles.

He's going to sell you some Carpet Tiles,

Eight pounds a metre. 

He jokes about sales staying on the floor

But the house is security

On the loan;

The 'Caring Bank' took care of that..

And when he asks them for more

They demand a fresh guarantee.

What else do you own?

Then they wonder what he's laughing at.

He says 'Carpet Tiles

All I've got left is the Carpet Tiles.

Take some of them, I've got miles and miles;

Carpet the whole bleeding British Isles

At five pounds a metre.'

He thinks of Val's face

And he gets out the file,

The one on insurance.

He reads through the Policy,

Three o'clock in the morning,

He gets in the van.

He drives to the lock-up,

He takes out the matches...

 

Messrs Jobson and Lock

Licensed Valuers and Auctioneers,

Suggest our sale

For business opportunities.

We have fire damaged stock

Just perfect for new careers.

You couldn't fail

With Lot 13 for instance which is...

Carpet Tiles,

Two metric tons of new Carpet Tiles

Early inspection would be worthwhile;

Executive quality Carpet Tiles

Worth twelve pounds a metre.

 

Carpet Tiles,

Simple to lay and so versatile

Featuring guaranteed flame-proof pile.

What am I bid for these Carpet Tiles?

Two pounds a metre? 

This song was first recorded on my CD 'Dome Of Discovery' in 1993, and seems to have become such a favourite with people that I make no apologies for giving it another outing, this time in a totally different arrangement led by the wonderful, Balkan-style accordion of Michael Ward-Bergeman.

This song was written in response to the collapse of so many small businesses in the inevitable economic dive that followed the Thatcherite boom years of the '80s, but Ray and Val's story seems equally familiar today. Not much seems to have changed over the last fifteen years. But then, not much ever does.

For non-UK listeners
Carpet tiles are a form of flooring almost unknown in certain, more civilized, parts of Europe. They are half-metre squares of carpeting with rubber backing, often used in offices and kitchens when there is little money to spend. The effect is not very pleasing.

A 'Luton Van' is the type of truck where the storage space projects over the top of the driver's cab.

A 'Wilton' is a type of carpet with a close velvet pile of cut loops (it says here).

'VAT' is the UK purchase tax.

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